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She shone like the sun; but felt like the smallest, weakest star.

They think killing is the solution. Kill the girl to get sex. Kill the enemy to not see them. Kill a country for peace. Kill animals for food. Killing is WRONG no matter what.

Working out makes me happier, but getting myself to do it is such a struggle I swear. Sometimes I have no hope that my body will transform into something beautiful anyway. However, I won’t stop. I’ll keep pushing myself. To better myself.

I am starting to be happy with my appearance. But I can’t help but wish to be someone else/ have a feature of theirs. There are so many beautiful girls I wish to be. I sometimes wonder if I change my hair then I’ll be happy, but I do that then want something else. Why can’t I be completely happy with myself?

4 months ago

Why is it so difficult for me to focus on a subject I don’t like. I can sit here HOURS without actually doing anything study related… Which prolongs this suffering. 

I got the scholarship! I can’t believe I got it, I didn’t think I would! This helps so much.

I’m still so depressed about the wreck. She seemed to be supportive at first then went crazy and blamed me and I told her I hated my life and I wanted to die and she hit me and even bit me like a freak. She threw pills at the plate I bought and it fell (was on TV cuz it had words) and then I realized part of my emotional problems is linked to her. She’s emotionally unstable (as well) and she’s a huge trigger for me. Not that she’s all of them because my anger problems lead to a lot of shit… Obviously.

I want to go back, I want to forget, I don’t want the financial burden for her. I can’t believe I survived but caused so much damage in my mind and her pocket. The guilt is about the money the most. I don’t really care about my damn self. We can’t afford this…

I can’t believe I totaled my car. I can’t afford a new one….. Why did this have to happen? This is the time I needed things to be okay the most. I’m so scared. I’m having flashbacks. I’m suffering guilt. Having panic attacks. I don’t know what to do…

I just did a mini workout instead of staying in bed and I feel great about it.

4 months ago
4 months ago

I never wakeup this early, I stayed up late too. Why would my body wake up now and not even feel tired?
Maybe it’s because I haven’t been working out. I feel quite gross. When school gets out I want to work out every day. But again, it’s hard for me to find the time. I know I just sit around a lot too, but I feel like I really need that in my day to be sane.

And now I feel like I’m in a slump again with school work. I need to catch up in Econ. I have about 5 packets I need to do and 2 chapters to read and idk how to find the time to do it without it ruining my whole day. Ugh