Seeking Nirvana

I have a 3.7 gpa and am broke the college I’m going to attend didn’t give me once scholarship, instead they gave it to someone with a 2.9 gpa who’s family has a lot of money. Starting to think college is not for me.

They think killing is the solution. Kill the girl to get sex. Kill the enemy to not see them. Kill a country for peace. Kill animals for food. Killing is WRONG no matter what.

Working out makes me happier, but getting myself to do it is such a struggle I swear. Sometimes I have no hope that my body will transform into something beautiful anyway. However, I won’t stop. I’ll keep pushing myself. To better myself.

I am starting to be happy with my appearance. But I can’t help but wish to be someone else/ have a feature of theirs. There are so many beautiful girls I wish to be. I sometimes wonder if I change my hair then I’ll be happy, but I do that then want something else. Why can’t I be completely happy with myself?


raw vegan blueberry and persimmon banana ice cream swirl topped with sliced bananas and raspberries
instagram: @taniangel7


raw vegan blueberry and persimmon banana ice cream swirl topped with sliced bananas and raspberries

instagram: @taniangel7

(via oregonfairy)

Why is it so difficult for me to focus on a subject I don’t like. I can sit here HOURS without actually doing anything study related… Which prolongs this suffering. 

I got the scholarship! I can’t believe I got it, I didn’t think I would! This helps so much.

I’m still so depressed about the wreck. She seemed to be supportive at first then went crazy and blamed me and I told her I hated my life and I wanted to die and she hit me and even bit me like a freak. She threw pills at the plate I bought and it fell (was on TV cuz it had words) and then I realized part of my emotional problems is linked to her. She’s emotionally unstable (as well) and she’s a huge trigger for me. Not that she’s all of them because my anger problems lead to a lot of shit… Obviously.

I want to go back, I want to forget, I don’t want the financial burden for her. I can’t believe I survived but caused so much damage in my mind and her pocket. The guilt is about the money the most. I don’t really care about my damn self. We can’t afford this…

I can’t believe I totaled my car. I can’t afford a new one….. Why did this have to happen? This is the time I needed things to be okay the most. I’m so scared. I’m having flashbacks. I’m suffering guilt. Having panic attacks. I don’t know what to do…

I just did a mini workout instead of staying in bed and I feel great about it.

I never wakeup this early, I stayed up late too. Why would my body wake up now and not even feel tired?
Maybe it’s because I haven’t been working out. I feel quite gross. When school gets out I want to work out every day. But again, it’s hard for me to find the time. I know I just sit around a lot too, but I feel like I really need that in my day to be sane.